


Sweet Dreams

by Bazylia_de_Grean



Series: Adra Bán [9]
Category: Pillars of Eternity
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-01 22:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16774480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bazylia_de_Grean/pseuds/Bazylia_de_Grean
Summary: That is what Eidis wanted for him, that is why did not destroy his soul and wiped away his memories... But she hoped he would end up somewhere far away, and that she would just know that he is free to live as he wants to, not as he has to, no longer bound by his oath to Woedica; hoped that she would know but not necessarily see it.Sometimes, there were nights she dreamt of meeting him and seeing him happy and then leaving before he would even notice. Back then, she was not aware of the price she would have to pay. And then a cipher adept came to Caed Nua to learn from the famous Watcher, and everything changed.





	Sweet Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> (prompt 15: Thanksgiving)

Some days it still feels like a burden. To watch him go around the keep and live his life, to remember all while he is unaware of everything. That is what Eidis wanted for him, that is why did not destroy his soul and wiped away his memories... But she hoped he would end up somewhere far away, and that she would just know that he is free to live as he wants to, not as he has to, no longer bound by his oath to Woedica; hoped that she would know but not necessarily see it.

Deep in her soul, she might have wanted it sometimes. There were nights she dreamt of meeting him and seeing him happy and then leaving before he would even notice. Nights she dreamt of just seeing him smile. But then years passed, and slowly she forgot.

Back then, she was not aware of the price she would have to pay. And then, over ten years ago, a cipher adept came to Caed Nua to learn from the famous Watcher, and everything changed.

It happened gradually; she had never seen him so young in her earlier lives, so he seemed like a different person, just very similar. A year passed, then another, then one more, and suddenly it has been almost ten years and he looks familiar now, he looks only slightly younger than in her memories, and it hurts every time she glances at him.

She still wants the same for him – a life free of the burdens of the past – but a part of her wishes she could have him for herself, just for a while, for a heartbeat – to get to know him as she never could, to learn all those trifle everyday things like whether he wakes up easily and how long it takes him to fall asleep. Wants – but knows that she cannot. That she has to pretend there are no bonds between them but respect and that strange, distant friendship.

But at night, when Eidis curls up in her bed that is warm but feels so terribly empty and much too large for her, she wishes it could be different. Wishes, but does not allow herself to dream of it. After all, what use is a cipher that cannot command their own mind? She does not dream, but she wishes and wants and yearns for him. That is not something she can help, that is the one thing she cannot change or tell herself to forget. Whatever had been binding their souls was not broken in Breith Eaman, and she can feel it tug at the very fabric of her thoughts. He can feel it, too, but does not understand it, and so Eidis tries to erase all his doubts and her own stray thoughts.

And sometimes she thinks she is not fine with that choice, that is tired of paying the price for him – but it is too late, and there is nothing she can do about it. Because the man he is not has done her no wrong, has never hurt her, and has served her faithfully for years – and she cannot punish him for it. Besides, is that not what she wanted, what she aimed for? And it is no one’s fault that life has a way of surprising everyone and making fulfilled dreams bitter instead of sweet.

Some days, it feels good. To see him smile and sometimes hear him chuckle, to hear him jesting in that dry, even tone, to see him so passionate about science. That is good and sweet, that is what Eidis had hoped for. What makes her smile when she watches. What makes her sneak into the Paths and light a candle in the small chapel of Eothas; and when on the way out she finds Invar, she looks into his eyes long enough to see them turn to light, and whispers a quiet ‘thank you’. What makes it possible to go on.

And then one day she hears Adhán laugh. She has no idea what caused this, because she has just walked out the keep to find him in the courtyard with Tegwen, Nerys and two small wurms, and it could have been a number of things, but she does not care, not really. His laughter is not very loud, but deep and heartfelt, and she has never heard him laugh before – had never heard him laugh, not even in that past life – and it just makes her stop in her track and forget breathing. There is a warm glow that settles over her soul even as her eyes mist over, and when her lips curl into a smile it hurts, but differently, hurts like when wounds hurt when they heal.

He turns, noticing her soul before he notices her physical form, takes in her face and the laughter fades, replaced by a look of wonder. And then he smiles, as she has never seen him smile before, either; as if he saw something radiant and beautiful. He can see the glow of her soul, and knows that in this moment, she is whole and happy. For a heartbeat, they look at each other and he is hers without ever knowing why, but just accepts it gratefully and without questions.

Eidis knows she will have to erase this memory later, or modify it at least, to wipe that feeling from his soul. But she will keep it in hers, and she will cherish and treasure it.

That evening, she does not light a candle. This time, there is no brighter flame she could offer Eothas in thanksgiving than the light of her own soul.


End file.
